Representing the Candidates with Style

Gabriel Schmoekel
Staff Writer

So, I know NOTHING about politics. Except that Drumpf is a pain in my Rump and I want to feel the Bern. If I’m being completely honest I have no clue what either of those sayings mean. But I do know fashion! So instead of explaining EXTREMELY boring politics about water or how clean the air in Kentucky is, I’m gonna talk about the merch that all of the candidates sell. Which now that I just typed that out, sounds just as boring… if not more. Oh well!

HILLARY CLINTON:

https://shop.hillaryclinton.com/

HillaryMerchApparel:

There are quite a few designs, most with bothersome puns like HILL yes and make herstory. Which is okay I guess. A lot of fashion designers collaborated with her to make some cool designs so that’s pretty cool. And she’s all for equality for everyone which is awesome in my book, because I’m not a Racist, Xenophobic Redneck hiding in the middle of Alabama using my iPod Touch to write offensive slurs on Facebook and Twitter.

Accessories:

A lot of the “accessories” are like clear tumblers or tacky pins with her logo or signature as the design. Not a great selection and pretty boring. There are some bags and other things like socks with the same ol’ boring logo. It’s not very interesting, but I mean it is a candidate’s merch store so I shouldn’t expect much.

Buttons & Signs:

AGAIN, there’s a lot of the annoyingly blue logo covering every square of the products. It’s kind of nagging me so I’m moving on.

BERNIE SANDERS:

https://store.berniesanders.com/

BernieMerchApparel:

A lot of the stuff on the apparel page is kind of bland. Which is sad because I really like Bernie. EXCEPT for the fact the he has the most OUTRAGEOUS plan to raise minimum wage to $15/hour, which would ruin the economy, I think? Actually I don’t know what I’m talking about. Anyways, a lot of the stuff is just his logo on different colored backgrounds. 😦

Feel the Burn:

There is only like five things to buy here and they all say Feel the Burn. Pretty Simple and EXTREMELY boring

Events Collection:

This stuff is just basically things like business cards, buttons and stickers for rallies and such. There are also yard signs that say things like “Vote Bernie” and “Feel the Bern.”

DONALD DRUMPF:

http://shop.donaldjdrumpf.com

TrumpMerchI’m not gonna waste my time on Drumpf by sorting all of his merchandise into different sections, sorry:

So apparently, Donald Drumpf thinks he is worthy of a Gift Tab on this website, or at all. First of all, there are only two things in this tab, a T-Shirt for a dog and a set of notepads and pens saying Drumpfs simplistic “Make Donald Drumpf Again” Slogan. And secondly, these are terrible gifts to give someone. One is for a dog and the other is pens and paper… “Happy Birthday! I got you a notebook set from Donald Drumpf!” NO. Thats an absolutely TERRIBLE GIFT. And who would put their own dog through so much pain and agony, just to put an ugly T-Shirt on them… A RACIST, SEXIST, XENOPHOBIC WHITE MALE BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DRUMPF LIKES… He also has shirts and hats that say the same irritating slogan. And surprisingly he only has one thing on this ENTIRE website with his face on it, a button. Which is CRAZY because he is such a narcissist that I’m truly surprised that this entire website doesn’t have every centimeter of space plastered with his disgusting camel-like face. AND, I personally think the models in these pictures should’ve been asked if they were okay with being on this website, because by the looks of it they just took random models and photoshopped his bland, disgusting merchandise onto these poor people. AND, there are also female models on here, which had me taken aback because he is such a misogynistic … jerk.

TED CRUZ:

https://store.tedcruz.org/

CruzMerchFirst of all, there are like seven categories for his merchandise, and some are so specific I don’t feel like giving them their own categories. He also has a category for “Limited Edition” items, which only has four things. And that doesn’t make much sense because Technically all of the stuff is “Limited Edition” if he doesn’t become president.

Accessories:

He has a coloring book, a yoga mat, and a pre-orderable spatula… that is all you need to know from this category.

Apparel:

So surprisingly, there are a lot of stabs at Drumpf on a lot of his merchandise. And there is also a lot of stuff with his face all over it, which isn’t as surprising.

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